I was feeling awful. And there was this woman taking my vital signs and she told me that she had five years in recovery. It blew my mind. I thought: I can never do that. I was just trying to get through the next minute, the next hour, the next day. Five years felt unattainable. I just couldn’t relate to it. 

There was so much unmanageability in my life. Legal troubles were a big part of my addiction story. I didn't have a license for six years. I was not allowed to leave the county, let alone the country. When I was actively using, my world was small. I just felt like I didn’t have choices. All I knew was that I had to wake up and use just to feel okay, even though I knew it was going to ruin everything else in my life. That’s the definition of addiction: continuing to use despite awareness of the negative consequences it brings. 

I remember being in treatment, and this thought hit me like a ton of bricks: How I was going to sort through this mess?

I can go back to those moments like it was yesterday. That’s why, being a peer today, I always encourage the person in front of me to give themselves some compassion, to go easy on themselves, and try and recognize that, just by talking and asking for help, that they are already doing something different for themselves. Early on, I needed that kindness from others. I especially needed kindness for myself. That made a big impact on me and that’s what I do for others now.

When I see a patient who is brand new to Boulder, that’s my favorite. I get to hold that space for someone when they first come in. People are nervous or scared or sometimes even excited. I know exactly what that bundle of feelings is like. I like to be the person who welcomes them and says: I’m so glad you’re here. I share parts of myself, letting them know that I’m in recovery, that I understand the process. When people feel comfortable, they’ll share a piece of their story with me and that’s when this connection occurs. It feels like this warm fuzzy blanket for that person who's feeling lost or scared the way I felt in the beginning. When I share that I’m in recovery, I can feel the energy shift. I sense more comfort and relief. No one’s alone in this. It takes off some of that heavy weight.

That’s the job I love to do today: I show up for people and meet them wherever they are. No judgment. No bias.

I’m passionate about making that first connection. It just feels good to be in that space with people today. I’ve learned that recovery is an individualized journey. It’s about having the freedom to make choices again. It’s important to empower people. This is their life. This is about what you want. That's one of the best parts of recovery––you have a choice today. That starts here, talking with a peer. 

Just by showing up, I show that recovery is possible for anybody. Taking it one day at a time adds up. It’s not this unattainable thing I thought it was. I woke up today and feel proud to be in recovery. I’m at peace today. I can laugh. I can be a parent. I can show up to life and navigate situations that used to baffle me. I’m free today.